Thursday, December 1, 2011

A Banner Day

December 1, 2011

Wow! Three goofy headlines in one day!

  1.       Action Comics 1 Sells for $2.16 Million
  2.       Man is Accidentally Shot by his own Dog
  3.       Kentucky Church Votes to Ban Interracial Couples

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Power Play

November 29, 2011

Chick-fil-A is worried that people might confuse a Vermont artist’s local “Eat More Kale” slogan with Chick-fil-A’s national “Eat mor chikin” slogan (featuring innovative but illiterate cows holding signs), so they’re suing the artist to make him stop producing his T-shirts.

Please note: There are no carrots holding signs on the kale T-shirts, and the words are spelled correctly.

How can I mock thee? Let me count the ways. (Oh, sorry, Ms. Barrett Browning. Maybe Chick-fil-A’s lawyers can help restore your copyright.)

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Program Notes

November 24, 2011

Dear Trans-Siberian Orchestra,

You could skip the first half of your show, and nobody would mind, I promise. (Except maybe the guy next to me; he may have needed that nap.)

And please, no more singing. Ever.

But the second half of your show ROCKED.

Definition, Please

November 24, 2011

I keep hearing a radio station refer to an older song as an "all-track flashback."

Isn't a track one song?

So if it weren't an "all-track flashback", would they be playing part of an oldie?

Happy Thanksgiving

November 24, 2011

I'm thankful for my wonderful family, my cozy house, a job I enjoy and fun co-workers.

I'm thankful that I no longer work in retail, working for people who think opening a store at ridiculous hours is essential to their well-being; or pandering to a bunch of people who can't sit still long enough to enjoy a holiday, so they convince the store owners to keep screwing up the holidays for their employees.

And I'm thankful that I'm not restless enough to need to shop no matter what, even if it means screwing up other people's holidays.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Take Back the—Day?

November 18, 2011

Hey, if you’re tired of Daylight Saving Time lasting so late in the year, or if you don’t want your kids going to school in the dark, try this:

Contact the advertisers from your favorite TV shows and tell them that you can’t stay awake for the 9:00 or 10:00 shows during the week right after the time change. (I don’t even try!) Since November is sweeps month, that might bug them.

The advertisers could complain to the networks, the networks could gripe to Congress, and voila! Daylight Saving Time gets ended earlier.

Nothing says, “Protect our kids” like “Hey! We’re losing money here!”

Shades of Ronald Reagan!

November 16, 2011

Did anyone else know that pizza sauce can be considered a vegetable in a school lunch, if there’s more than ½ cup of it?

Since pizza slices don’t have ½ cup of sauce, some companies that supply the pizzas are lobbying Congress to make any amount count. They have support from some conservatives, who don’t feel that the government has any business dictating what students eat for lunch.

We don’t want the Federal government interfering with those federally-subsidized lunches, do we?

(I wouldn’t put it past those same naysayers to represent the people who grow up and sue the government because they got health problems from eating school lunches consisting of pizza, burgers and fries.)

My head is spinning. Maybe I’ll go grab some pizza—that nutritional sauce may help clear it.

See? It Can Always Get Worse

November 16, 2011

What’s worse than working in retail and hearing non-stop Christmas carols beginning November 13th?

Not being able to avoid a version of “Run, Run, Rudolph” that’s even lousier than the original.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

May I Recommend a Course in Logic?

November 12, 2011

In a touching display of loyalty to Coach Paterno, enraged Penn State students overturned a television news van after getting word of the coach’s firing.

Because of course, it was the media who started this whole sorry mess…Right, kids?