Saturday, April 29, 2017

Why I Want To Be President

April 29, 2017

Because after I leave office I can make a ton of money giving speeches.

Monday, April 24, 2017

It Was News to Them

April 24, 2017

Fox News fired Roger Ailes for sexual harassment, after years of complaints. Then its parent company “investigated” sexual harassment allegations against Bill O’Reilly.

Ya gotta wonder about a news organization that doesn’t notice it’s been paying millions over the past few years to settle sexual harassment claims brought by its own workers against its star performer.

How much investigating did they have to do?

Friday, April 21, 2017

Maybe They Were Excellent Communicators

April 18, 2017

When I see how often people who speak the same language misunderstand each other,

I’m starting to think that God making people speak different languages at Babel may have been overkill.

Left to themselves, they probably would have messed up the tower just fine.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

The Perils of Being Short-Waisted

I actually started this post over a year ago, but thought it was too self-indulgent. But spring-clothes shopping has brought it all back to me. So here goes.

January 26, 2016

Being short-waisted is quite the challenge. Chairs are never high enough, it’s hard to see over the steering wheel, and the arms on office chairs make it tough on your shoulders, because your arms are at an awkward angle as you work. Every time I eat at a restaurant, I feel like asking for a booster seat.

And the clothing issues! You can find a shirt that fits perfectly in a regular size, except for being too long. If you go to that same size in petite, the shirt is not only shorter, but tighter. It’s like clothing manufacturers think a Size 8 Petite means Size 8-Minus. So you end up buying the shirt in a larger size anyway, and it still swims on you—it’s just shorter.

And forget buying dresses. If the dress is sleeveless you could pull up the dress at the shoulders; but since that never really works, you always have to wear a jacket to hide the alteration. And if the dress has sleeves—forget it.

Maybe I’ll start a new trend: The pinking-shears look. Since I’m not handy at alterations, I’ll just whack off the bottoms of the shirts with pinking shears and hope that it’s true that the fabric won’t ravel.

And even if it does, what the heck. I’ll just say that it’s supposed to look that way.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Do It Badly, Start a Trend

April 2, 2017

Have you ever frosted a round cake and been aggravated because the sides had less frosting than they should have, and the cake showed through?

Well, stress no more!

Those geniuses at turning negatives into positives have done it again. The latest trend in cake-decorating is Naked or Semi-Naked Cakes. The idea is that, since it’s often hard to frost the sides of a cake, you just leave them mostly bare. And now it’s so chic that people are paying extra for the look, even on wedding cakes!

Artistically challenged people can take comfort in the fact that their shortcomings could set the next fashion.

So, if you do it badly, do it boldly. You’ll be cutting-edge in no time.

Friday, April 7, 2017

I Like the Phrasing

April 5, 2017

Kansas City, MO has reduced the sentence for possession of small amounts of marijuana. Instead of a fine up to $500 and possible jail time, offenders are now liable for a $25 fine and no jail time.

So it’s still not legal; but as a DJ on WARH put it, it's less illegal.

Okey dokey.

Thursday, April 6, 2017

EZ Does It

April 5, 2017

Federal Tax form 1040EZ is one page long.

The instruction booklet is 46 pages.

(Adjusting for tax tables and the introduction, there are still 25 pages of instructions.)

Monday, April 3, 2017

(Dis)Loyalty Cards

March 31, 2017

So, about those loyalty cards you sign up for, the ones that let you earn points or instant discounts when you give the store your card or your phone number:

I couldn’t remember what phone number I had at a certain store (old home, cell, new home), so I gave the new number. None of the names that came up was mine, although I did recognize one because we keep getting collection calls for her. (We get collection calls for several people. Apparently this number was issued to a lot of different people who skipped out on bills.)

I picked a name at random, figuring I could get the instant discount and she could get the points; and I’m darned if we didn’t start getting collection calls for that person, too!

Two points:

1. Apparently the loyalty only goes one way. The store is giving out your info to all and sundry.

2. If you plan to go on the lam, don’t use your cell number as the phone number for your loyalty card. You’ll save yourself a lot of collection calls.

Sunday, April 2, 2017

One Lawn's Weed is Another Lawn's Low-Maintenance Plant

April 2, 2017

Does anybody else go to pull up those weedy purple flowers from the lawn and think, “Actually, they’re kind of pretty. And they never need watering…”

And turn around and go back inside?

It's Keeping the Socks Company

April 2, 2017

Every spring, my dandelion digger disappears.

I have a feeling it’s with all those socks that disappear from the laundry.