Those Rewards Cards Can Be Tricky

January 26, 2019

Another thief in Ballwin, Missouri (see yesterday’s post) was apprehended for stealing liquor from a store. But police didn’t have to work too hard to identify him.

It seems he purchased other items legally; and he used his customer rewards card at checkout.

He Got a 0 for Execution

January 25, 2019

Athletes will sometimes tape their performances so that they can critique them later.

A thief in Ballwin, MO took it a step further when he burglarized an apartment. One of the items he stole was a wireless security camera that live-streamed the theft to the victim’s cell phone.

He may want to work on his technique.

It Didn't Live Up to Its Name

January 24, 2019

A man working out at a 24 Hour Fitness gym in Texas had to call for help 

after he got locked inside at closing time.

TV Time

January 22, 2019

I wasn’t sure how “The Conners” would be without Roseanne, but it’s very good.

I like several 9:00 shows, but “The Rookie” is the only one I can stay awake for.

“New Amsterdam” is always optimistic, which I like.

And “The Orville” may have started as a satire, but they seem to be getting deep. I really liked the Jan. 17 episode, and hope they keep up the quality.

I feel like I should watch “A Million Little Pieces” and “This Is Us,” because they’re apparently very good, and real-lifey; but as I am an escapist through and through, I’ll let somebody else review the quality programming.

An Offer They Shouldn’t Refuse

January 22, 2019

After some questionable calls in the Saints/Rams playoff game,

a Louisiana eye doctor is offering free eye exams to all NFL officials prior to next season.

The Price of Being a Jerk

January 18, 2019

The driver in Petersburg, Kentucky who tried to demolish a nine-foot snowman by ramming it with his or her truck got a rude surprise: The base of the snowman was formed around a massive tree trunk.

So the snowman survived, but the prognosis for the truck’s front end was not good.

Volunteer Opportunity: Get Drunk to Help the Police

January 18, 2019

The police department in Kutztown, PA is looking for three volunteers to get drunk, so that police can practice administering sobriety tests.

You probably won’t make the cut, though. The department was flooded with responses after it posted the request on Facebook, so it looks like they have the situation covered.

Winter Weather Collaboration

January 15, 2019

I’ve been thinking about how to keep the most people safe during bad winter driving conditions.

I have this daydream, where State Patrol reps meet with business leaders and Red Cross reps to find solutions to the never-ending problem of people having to drive to and from work in hazardous conditions.

Why these three groups? The State Patrol can give graphic information about the costs and hazards of dealing with traffic accidents, up to and including the deaths of motorists and those responding to the car crashes. They can then cede the floor to the Red Cross reps.

The Red Cross can talk about how it helps businesses formulate Disaster Plans that include ways to conduct business off-premises, so that fewer people will be required to travel.

Business leaders and Chamber of Commerce presidents can spread the word and encourage business owners to at least meet with Red Cross reps to see if they can help. Chambers can host workshops and seminars, and tout the idea at meetings.

And maybe fewer people will have to drive, and lives will be saved, and money will be saved.

If You Get Critiqued, It Means You're Trying

January 14, 2019

Dear Author:

If I hurt your feelings by asking if your characters could behave a little differently, there are two things you should know:

• I don’t write to people if I don’t like their books; I only bother with the ones I care about.
• If somebody’s critiquing you, it means you took a chance. So, you’re already in the winner’s circle.

Again—sorry if I hurt your feelings.

He Didn't Mention That in His Profile

January 12, 2019

A woman initiated a conversation with a potential date by mentioning the big buck she had just shot.

Unfortunately, she was hunting illegally, and the potential date was a game warden.

She had to pay a lot of fines. And it looks like she won’t be getting a date.

Make a Fortune Working from Home

January 10, 2019

I know people who say,

“I talked the cable company into lowering my bill by…”

“I just kept scouting around until I found the best rate for a cruise.”

“I have a friend who’s up in the middle of the night, and she finds amazing airline deals.”

“You know how to get free airline miles? Call and cancel the card.”

I know that it won’t work for me. The cable company can tell from my voice that someone in the household is addicted to cable. I’m not fooling them; they are polite, but unyielding.

The same thing goes for being up at 2 a.m. finding great airline deals. Ain’t gonna happen.

One of my friends is good at 2 of the above-mentioned activities. She’s also bored a lot. I tell her, “I’ll give you a percentage if you’ll save me some money on my cable bill.” But she won’t do it.

Somebody, somewhere, should take on this gig. 

These are things that I would pay for:

• Somebody to find me the best airline flights
• Somebody to reduce the cable bill
• Somebody to find me a great deal on a cruise
• Somebody who knows about cars to help me get a good deal

So, Somebody: Contact me ASAP.

And advertise. There are lots of people just like me out there. You could make a fortune, just working from home.

Dressed for Action (For a Change)

January 9, 2019

I’m really enjoying this week’s “Funky Winkerbean” comic arc (January 7, 8, and 9). It makes fun of the ridiculous costumes that women action heroes are typically given in comic books.

Go, Tom Batiuk! (Funky’s writer)

Taking a Tip from the Homeowners Association

January 9, 2019

Did you know that some neighborhoods require DNA samples from all the dogs that move in? That way, if a dog leaves calling cards that the owners don’t clean up, the owners can be fined.

As law enforcement moves more and more toward a universal DNA database for humans, think of the uses it could be put to:

The people who are currently leaving their own calling cards in our national parks could be tracked down and fined.

The people who persist in contributing to Fatbergs, ditto.

And so much more.

I’m not in favor of it. But if people keep doing what they’re doing, the chances of such applications of the DNA database seem less far-fetched.

So clean up your acts, folks.

Stop Flushing Those Wipes

January 9, 2019

Another Fatberg is causing problems. England is the lucky winner again.

In case you haven’t heard of them, Fatbergs are gigantic masses that form in sewers. They are comprised of grease that people pour down their sink, and wipes, diapers, etc. that people flush down the toilets.

They cause a lot of trouble, and are expensive to remove. And the solution is so simple:

Stop it.

Stop pouring the grease and flushing the items.

Really.

April 12, 2020

Possible good news:

Thanks to all the hoarding of toilet paper during the COVID-19 outbreak, it seems that people are looking for alternatives. Sales of a $100 bidet attachment spiked in mid-March at one company.

If people turn to bidets instead of flushable wipes, maybe this will slow the growth of fatbergs.

Presidential Address

January 6, 2019

As a card-carrying member of Nitpickers Anonymous, I was pleased to see that, 100 years ago, the Post-Dispatch correctly referred to Teddy Roosevelt as Col. Theodore Roosevelt when writing about his death.

They did not refer to him as President Roosevelt, the way modern media refer to former presidents.

Former presidents should not be referred to as President So-and-So (unless one is referencing the president’s time in office), nor should they be addressed as Mr. President. They should be referred to by the highest title or position they held before becoming president, e.g. Governor Clinton; Ambassador Bush.

Maybe the media will remember that someday, and revert to proper usage.

Balloons Are Out, Guns Are In

January 6, 2019

Governor Mike Parsons would like to reverse the ban on visitors to the Missouri Capitol carrying guns.

Balloons would still be banned.

I don’t know why balloons are banned in the Capitol. I tried to look it up, and got nowhere. But they are apparently less appropriate than guns.

Some people are upset at the thought of allowing guns in the Capitol. One mother (wisely, I think), said that her child would certainly not go on any field trips there, should the gun ban be reversed.

But think about it. I actually get more annoyed when legislators try to force college campuses to allow guns, but won’t allow guns where they work, because of safety concerns. It’s like they’re throwing the rest of us under the bus to keep their political capital, while guarding their own precious hides.

At least now they’re putting their money where their mouths are.

Well, He Meant that Nobody ELSE Should Do It

January 6, 2019

Missouri’s newly elected senator, Josh Hawley, declared that too many members of the U. S. Senate are paying more attention to reelection or to running for president than to doing their current jobs.

Hawley, who ran for Attorney General of Missouri in 2016, said that he wasn’t going to use the office as a steppingstone to another office.

And yet, there he was in 2018, running for U.S. Senator.

Huh.

Why Not Try to Be Better?

January 5, 2019

Dear Nancy Pelosi:

Responding to a colleague’s profanity by saying, “I don’t think it’s any worse than what the president has said,” is not a ringing endorsement.

Please try to improve the tone of the legislature, not see how low it can actually sink.

They May Actually Have to Think About It

January 2, 2019

Now that lobbyists can no longer offer freebies over $5 to members of the Missouri legislature, one lobbyist says that the rules will have a “dramatic effect.”

Like, instead of making their sales pitches with free meals and entertainment tickets, lobbyists may have to sell ideas on their merits.

And the politicians may actually have to think about what they’re voting for.

The Plight of the Traveling Toddler

December 31, 2018

Starting January 1, 2019, children under the age of two years must sit in a backward-facing car seat in Illinois. That is consistent with the American Academy of Pediatrics guidelines.

We used to take some seriously long car trips. I can’t imagine the mind-numbing boredom of looking only at the back of the regular seat for extended periods of time. And young kids are restless enough already. I know that there are some toys and displays that parents can set up, but those will pall quickly.

I’m glad I’m not a toddler. Or taking a long trip with one.

Representing the Will of the Politicians

December 30, 2018

Missouri voters adopted a new redistricting plan, and they voted against “Right to Work” legislation. It appears that the people have spoken. They are able to do this because, with enough signatures, proposals can be put directly on the ballot, where people can voice their approval or disapproval, bypassing legislative maneuvers to kill ideas that the legislature doesn’t want to deal with.

Undaunted, the governor is going to campaign for a new ballot measure that would reverse the redistricting.

He’ll also back efforts to restrict the ability to place any new questions on the ballot. 

And of course there is plenty of pushback from Missouri lawmakers about new laws limiting the influence of lobbyists.

Because what do the people know about what they really want?

It’s a Beautiful Morning

January 3, 2019

If you didn’t see Jupiter to the right of the crescent moon (with the rest of the moon oh-so-delicately visible), and Venus higher and to the right this morning, I feel sorry for you.

If you’re out and about around 6:30 tomorrow morning, and the skies are clear, look up. It’ll soothe your soul.

Do You Need Babysitters?

January 2, 2019

National Parks are staying open, but only skeleton staff is available to police them during the government shutdown. And the number of visitors has increased because there’s no one there to collect admission fees.

So people are flocking to enjoy the beauties of nature; and many of them are leaving trash and, in some cases, feces behind. Not to mention the vandalism.

So, I guess it’s time for my most oft-repeated question:

What the HELL is the matter with you people?

Turn Off, Tune Out…

December 28, 2018

I just read an article that says that some resorts are offering perks to guests who will give up their phones for a few hours. The article mentioned snorkeling tours, prime spots by the pool, and free snacks, among other things. One hotel even provides pillows for a pillow fort.

Why go to all that trouble, you ask, if people are paying you handsomely, just so they can sit and look at their phones? Surely they’re less trouble when they’re staring at their screens than when they’re actually dealing with the staff.

The resorts are hoping that guests will feel more relaxed and happy, and associate those feelings with their properties (and therefore book return visits or spread the word to their friends), if they can tune out the outside world for a while.

I like their style.

Let's Liven This Place Up

December 24, 2018

I was driving through some really flat, brown, barren landscape for hours. I thought, “Wouldn’t it be swell if there were a device that would let drivers see holograms of interesting sights, without bothering the people who actually lived in the area?”

Someone pointed out that it might be nice at night, but that daylight would make seeing the holograms tricky.

I still think it’s worth pursuing, though.

October 30, 2020

 

Apparently it wasn’t such a far-fetched idea after all.

 VAN MCELWEE: TIME FORK

https://www.laumeiersculpturepark.org/current-exhibition-mcelwee