Sunday, October 15, 2017

You’re Only As Old As Your Knees Feel


October 15, 2017

Being old may be only a state of mind,

But my aching joints have plenty of influence on my state of mind.




One-Trick Ponies

October 15, 2017

I don’t normally go to comedy clubs, because most of the jokes are about sex. (Like nothing else funny EVER happens that the comedians could use for material.)

But last night I was suckered, because the comedy skits were being held at a restaurant where elderly women go to meet their friends for quiche; so I thought, “How bad can it be?”

Answer: Pretty bad.

Seriously: Now that comedy skits are all sex, all the time…Who has an advantage in the comedy arena? There’s no more shock value to give comedians that edge that they might have once enjoyed. What was edgy in the ’80s is now old hat.

They might have to go back to clean jokes just to stand out from the pack.


And I can’t wait.



Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Darwin Award Contenders

October 10, 2017

I’m looking at a picture of three signs from Lone Elk Park. The signs are on a pole, one above another, and read as follows:

   CAUTION
DO NOT APPROACH
OR FEED ANIMALS


MAINTAIN
100 FEET
DISTANCE


ELK MATING
 SEASON
USE EXTRA
 CAUTION



Why is this picture in the paper?



Because despite all the warnings,

People are being injured
while taking selfies with the elk.



They’re Honing Their Skills


October 11, 2017

When a politician is accused of sexual harassment, late-night jokes fly fast and furious.

When Hollywood’s Harvey Weinstein was accused, the reaction was a bit slower.

According to the producer of “Saturday Night Live”, there were jokes slated for last week’s show, but they fell flat in dress rehearsal, so they were cut.

Was he using the B-team??? With all the practice they’ve had on the subject, the writers should have been able to come up with jokes in their sleep!



It Has Come To Our Attention (Part 2)


October 11, 2017

A major movie producer has been accused of decades of sexual harassment, and others in the business are shocked and appalled at the idea of someone in Hollywood trading movie roles for sexual favors.

What other shocking revelations lie in store for them? Will they find out someday that David Duke is a bigot? That Elvis is dead?



Tuesday, October 10, 2017

TV Time, 2017

October 10, 2017

It’s time once again for my unsolicited and unsophisticated review of TV shows. I watched a few premiers and a couple of returning shows, and these were my impressions:

  
New:

Ghosted – I thought it would depend on vulgarity for its humor, but it’s really not too bad.

The Good Doctor – Could be worse.

The Orville – Same as “Ghosted”, and it’s actually dealt with a couple of deep themes. I actually like it.

Will and Grace – Meh

Young Sheldon – Meh

  
Returning:

Grey’s Anatomy – The season opener was the best one I’ve seen so far this fall. A+

Designated Survivor – Kept me awake, which is more than it did most of last season.

Major Crimes – Looking forward to the season opener on October 31. (Don’t let me down, folks!)



Sunday, October 8, 2017

A Few Bad Apples

October 8, 2017


This morning an article about a mass shooting made me think, “Huh. Except in one instance, all of the mass shootings that I know of have been committed by men.”

It started a train of thought leading to a futuristic movie scenario in my head: Men banned from owning guns with magazines that held more than ten rounds; Joe Arpaio stopping men just because they’re men, and searching their cars for contraband weapons; men pointing out that it was only a few bad seeds that caused the trouble…

Then I got derailed by comparing a “no-men” weapons policy to a “no-Muslim” immigration policy and I lost track of what I was doing.




Friday, October 6, 2017

THIS Is Your Contribution To Society?

October 4, 2017

I’m glad I’m never going to be a First Lady (or the President). I couldn’t stand the fashion critiques.

It seems to me that the people who criticized Michelle Obama and are lambasting Melania Trump for their clothing choices are people who just don’t like their husbands.

Is there possibly a more constructive way to effect societal change than by picking on a president’s spouse?



Saturday, September 30, 2017

The Other Team Was Just Too Good

September 30, 2017

Four soccer refs in Malawi are banned for life from refereeing because they took bribes to fix a match.

Authorities found out about the situation when the team that paid the bribe complained because they still lost the match.



Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Balance of Power


September 23, 2017

The killing of a powerful leader has left a power vacuum, and the fight to take his place may pose a serious danger to people in the area he ruled.

Nope, not talking about world powers today…

The downed leader was the dominant saltwater crocodile in an area of Queensland, Australia. He was illegally shot last week. Now wildlife officials are expecting increased crocodile activity as the younger males struggle for control. People using the Fitzroy River are warned to be especially careful in the next few weeks, as the power struggle may make the males more aggressive.

At least they’re not using nukes.


Monday, September 25, 2017

As Long As You’re Spying On Us…


September 23, 2017


Those creepy “smart” billboards make me wonder: How long before they install them in bars, where they could measure a drinker’s body mass and other data and determine when a customer has had enough?

(Cue the Michael Jackson music: “I always feel like somebody’s watching me.”)

Friday, September 22, 2017

It’s Not THAT Old A Word, Is It?

September 22, 2017

I was surprised at how many people had to look up the word “dotard” (recently made famous by North Korea’s Kim Jong Un).

Maybe only old people know what it means.


And You Thought Traffic Cams Were Bad

September 20, 2017

People who thought that traffic cameras were an invasion of privacy are in for an unpleasant surprise:

These days billboards can snap your license plate, get an impression of the type of car you drive, pick up your cell signal, and assess your demographic —all to help businesses target their marketing to specific areas.

Probably the only people happy with this scenario, besides the businesses themselves, are the municipalities who will have a much easier time in traffic court dealing with Invasion of Privacy defenses. I mean, after these billboards, the traffic cams look tame!



Thursday, September 21, 2017

Timing Is Everything

September 20, 2017

A robber walked into a Subway shop in San Diego and demanded all the cash. The cashier complied, and he left.

Five minutes later, another robber walked in and demanded money. All he got was some loose change.



Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Man-Made Fibers Only

September 20, 2017

A woman took Hobby Lobby to task because she felt that its sale of art pieces featuring raw cotton bolls was racist, cotton having been picked by slaves 150 years ago. She wanted them to stop selling the art at once.

One person who commented on her post wondered if she was wearing cotton clothing at the time she wrote it.



Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Who Are YOU Looking At?

September 17, 2017

Yet another Ig Nobel prize was awarded to a team of Italian psychologists who found that identical twins can’t necessarily tell which pictures are of them and which are of their identical siblings.


The scientists drew a lot of conclusions from the study; I’m just telling you the fun part.


Monday, September 18, 2017

Cats: Liquid or Solid?

September 17, 2017


Another Ig Nobel prize was awarded to Marc-Antoine Fardin, who decided to find out if cats can be classified as liquids, given their fluidic properties at fitting into unusual spaces.

His conclusion? He still doesn’t know, but the cats are a good model for studying the flow of matter.


Sunday, September 17, 2017

Didgeridoo: More than Just a Cool Name


September 16, 2017

This year’s Ig Nobel peace prize goes to the team from the University of Zurich, who studied the effects of playing the didgeridoo on relieving sleep apnea.

The didgeridoo is a musical instrument developed by indigenous Australians, and apparently learning to play it can strengthen muscles used in breathing, leading to relief of moderate sleep apnea.

So if you share a room with a snorer, consider the didgeridoo as a Christmas gift.



Thursday, September 14, 2017

A Short-Lived Ambition

September 11, 2017

Looking to expand my homemaking repertoire, I thought I might try my hand at actually decorating a room. I thought I’d start with the computer room, since I couldn’t possibly make it look any worse.

I had been thinking of throwing some pictures on the wall; but as I looked at it, I realized that the first thing I would have to do would be to repaint it, since it’s sort of a weird light-brown.

But then I thought of actually having to choose a new color: should it be a color, or neutral; which shade of neutral; etc.

And I said to myself, “You know—the room really doesn’t look that bad.”


Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Hacking the Language


August 28, 2017

I saw a Facebook post the other day that listed some dryer sheet “hacks”: Using a dryer sheet to sharpen scissors, clean hairbrushes, remove nail polish, etc.


Back in the old days, we called those “tips.”


Monday, September 11, 2017

We Got the Blues


September 3, 2017

In related news to “Interesting Development” (Sept. 1, which talks about the St. Louis Blues wanting to build their new practice rink in a state park), St. Louis Comptroller Darlene Green has refused to issue bonds to pay for the renovation of the Scottrade Center, a privately-held entertainment venue. Her view is that the money would be better spent on public safety and essential city services.

She’s in trouble for it, of course, but I hope she wins. As with the ice rink, it would be swell if people weren’t forced into doing whatever big business wants.

Incidentally, who owns the Scottrade Center?


The St. Louis Blues.



Sunday, September 10, 2017

I Should Be a Cartoonist


September 9, 2017


I’m amazed at how much stuff that’s in my blog has shown up in the comics in the past few months. I usually just figure that there are very few new ideas under the sun, so people are bound to come up with the same gags. 

But on Friday there was one about a hangnail and a paper cut as inspiration for artwork. That one kind of freaked me out.

If I were a cartoonist, I could have published them first, and in a place where lots of people would actually have read them. Maybe I need a collaborator.


Saturday, September 9, 2017

Look Who's Talking


September 8, 2017

The other day a woman in my office building was brushing her teeth in the Ladies room. It took her several minutes, and she let the water run the whole time. I am stunned that in this day and age, people still don’t understand the concept of not wasting resources.

Another thing that drives me wild is when people sit in the car for ages with the engine running, spewing exhaust into the air, because they don’t want to go inside where it’s warm/cool enough for them while they’re waiting for somebody.

I could feel all superior, if I weren’t pretty sure that if I go to Resource-Wasting Hell, it will be for using tons of paper towels instead of cloth rags.

We all have our dark side, I guess.


Friday, September 8, 2017

Cut the Crap

September 8, 2017

I wondered how long it would be before people started blaming Hurricane Harvey on God’s punishment for human behavior.

It appears that some people think that gays are God’s target. Before 9/11 a hateful e-mail circulated blaming modern problems on God’s response to permissive parenting and removing prayer from schools; it was given a new intro and re-circulated after 9/11.

Allow me to respond. Please understand—I am not presuming to speak for the Lord. I’m just remembering what I read in the Bible:

God tells Abraham that He is going to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah. Abraham asks if the Lord would spare Sodom if He found fifty righteous people. The Lord says yes, He would spare it for fifty righteous people. Abraham keeps asking until the Lord says that for the sake of TEN righteous people He would spare the city. (Genesis, 18:32)

I firmly believe that there were more than ten, or even fifty, righteous people in the Twin Towers, in New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina, and in Houston. So please stop blaming God for causing mass destruction as a response to behaviors that you don’t approve of.


It’s unbecoming to you, and not very flattering to Him.


Interesting Development

September 1, 2017

The St. Louis Blues want to build a practice rink in Creve Coeur State Park. They are meeting with some serious opposition from environmentalists and park users who don’t want to see the park losing land to a hockey rink, the inevitable parking lot, and the general disruption that would ensue.

Undaunted by the opposition, and heedless of the fact that the rink hasn’t been approved by the National Park Service, a construction company began grading the disputed site. It’s for stormwater drainage, says the CEO of the coalition pushing for the rink.

Strangely, the permit issued for the grading says, “For construction of an ice rink.”

The St. Louis City Council has issued a resolution to delay the project. The National Park Service is also not happy, and has requested a delay until the project has gone through the proper channels.

Dare we hope that the public will not be bulldozed into having the rink at the park?



Thursday, September 7, 2017

Now THAT'S a Question!


September 7, 2017

Overheard:


“Where the hell is my Bible?”





Monday, August 28, 2017

Seats Are Extra


August 26, 2017

Wow Air will be offering flights to Europe from St. Louis for discount prices. You can get to Iceland for $99, then catch connecting flights to other places in Europe. For that price, Iceland sounds like a nice destination.

There’s a catch, though.

The airline’s founder says that they can offer low rates because they only charge for what you use. According to the Post-Dispatch, you would be able to get a round-trip ticket from St. Louis to Paris for $499.98; that includes the ticket and one personal item. For $690.50, the same flight would also include a carry-on bag and a checked bag. Still no meal, though—that would be extra.


Pretty soon airlines might as well just make this their motto: Airfare $99. Seat extra.


Friday, August 25, 2017

Searching for Answers


August 24, 2017

Newspaper website search bars are weird. You can look for an item you swear you’ve seen recently, and type it into their search spot, and come up with nothing.

Example: I saw an adorable picture of a baby rhino in the paper. When I tried to find it in the online edition, I typed in “rhino,” “baby rhino” “newborn rhino at zoo” and came up with nothing.

Today I tried to find the article they’d advertised about ways to use tomatoes. I typed in “Tomato recipes”. Got a recipe for a casserole and a review of some ready-to-cook meals.  I typed in “tomatoes.” Same thing. Got out of the paper’s website and typed “tomato recipes” in the Google search bar. And the first item that came up was (drumroll, please)…The Post-Dispatch article on 20 ways to use tomatoes, dated 2 days ago.

The Boise paper used to drive me crazy for the same reason. What IS it about newspapers and their search functions?


From now on I’ll skip the paper’s search function and go straight to Google.

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Right Idea, Wrong Time

August 23, 2017

A man in Florida was arrested after he parked his stolen car to view the solar eclipse.


I give him credit for wanting to see it.

Starting Small

August 24, 2017

While NASA and SpaceX are working so hard to build rockets to Mars, is anyone building a satellite that could stand in for the moon, so that the effects of a solar eclipse could be handy whenever and for as long as anyone needed them?



Wednesday, August 23, 2017

A Household Tip

July 15, 2017

Household Tips aren’t normally my thing, but I figured this one out and thought I’d pass it along.

You know how you buy bagged spinach, and almost immediately after you open it it gets gross unless you use it all up right away?

I have noticed that if I put two halves of a paper towel in the bag (in different spots), it keeps the spinach from getting nasty. You can keep it much longer.


Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Because Every Kitchen Needs Some

August 19, 2017

This gourmet cooking thing is getting out of hand. I couldn’t find any dry mustard at the store today.

I did, however, find plenty of organic Mango Habanero seasoning.



Monday, August 21, 2017

The Icing on the Eclipse Cake

August 21, 2017

What’s better than seeing a total eclipse of the sun?

Seeing it with a bunch of family members.



By the way: It was totally awesome. I will never forget that image of the darkened sun, hanging in the dark sky, surrounded by the corona.



And Thank You, Lord, for letting everything go perfectly.


Driver's Ed

August 18, 2017

Two men attempted a carjacking in St. Louis the other day, but their plans went awry when neither of them could drive a stick shift.


Saturday, August 19, 2017

Weirdly Normal


August 17, 2017

When I take walks, I like to do arm circles as well—sort of an exercise two-fer. Of course it looks weird. But at one time, so did jogging, running shorts, and people swinging hand weights on their walks. So if I stick with it, it may become not only acceptable, but the “in” way to exercise.

If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that no matter how weird things seem at first, people will get used to them. A look back at any fashion trend will prove the truth of this.



Friday, August 18, 2017

When the Light Changes

August 14, 2017

August is an odd month: It’s hot and sticky, still great for boating and swimming; but people start feeling ready for Fall. I vividly remember the woman in Louisiana who started wearing her Fall sweaters (short-sleeved, but still) in August, when it was in the 90s and very humid. That’s what August does to people. I think it has something to do with the changing light.

I don’t feel like clothes shopping, but I do have an urge to run around and change the house—put up fall decorations and all. It’s always a struggle: Do I hold on to the end of summer, or do I cave…?

This year I left the sand castle decoration and the seashells out, but put away the spring centerpiece and set out the fall arrangement on the table. Close enough.


So what do you do when the light changes? Decorate, shop for clothes, bake…write pointless blog entries?


Friday, August 11, 2017

I Should Stay In My Bubble

August 8, 2017

I tend to live in my own little world, and therefore miss a lot of what’s going on.  But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It can get miserable when you start paying attention to the world around you.

For example, it was only today that I realized just how many annoying ways there are for people to sneeze.


Thursday, August 10, 2017

My First "You Oughta"

August 10, 2017

My first “You Oughta” was actually going to be taking my friend’s advice and getting on Twitter, but it seemed complicated, so I moved on to my second one.

I’ve started buying cheap clothes to practice my –er—informal alterations on. (“The Perils of Being Short-Waisted”, April 20, 2017). I’m having mixed success, BUT

At least I can stop wondering what would happen if I ever tried it.

  

A New Way to Track Time

July 22, 2017

When we started going to the Muny (St. Louis’s outdoor theater) this summer, we entertained ourselves by seeing how many of the actors had “Law and Order” credits listed in their bios. But in the later shows of the season, the actors have been younger, so now a lot of them are listing “Law and Order: SVU” and “The Good Wife” instead.

I guess that’s one way to tell that time is passing.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Shake, Don't Stir

July 25, 2017

I think it’s amazing how many newspaper editors and columnists call for bipartisanship while doing their best to get people stirred up in defense of their own particular party.

Instead of saying, “John Doe, R-Smallville, proposed building a skate park,” why don’t they say, “John Doe, representing Smallville, proposed building a skate park.”?

That way, people who suspect that any idea from someone with an “R” after his name is automatically a bad idea might actually think about it.

Conversely, if John Doe, representing Smallville, is caught with his hand in the till, people who will defend their party members to the death would be less tempted to think it’s a media smear campaign against their party and focus on the actual problem—John Doe is behaving badly.

Of course, stirring people up into defending or excoriating politicians by focusing on their party affiliation sells papers. Focusing on the ideas might actually shake up the status quo and get substantial progress accomplished.

So, how about it, editors and columnists? Instead of just stirring up the masses, can you shake up the status quo?



Friday, July 28, 2017

The Fine Art of Communication

July 28, 2017

For the love of heaven,

IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE LANES, USE YOUR SIGNAL!


Friday, July 21, 2017

It's Easy, If You Know How

July 18, 2017

A couple of weeks ago I was going to write that there’s almost no excuse for not being able to promote yourself these days and make a fortune. Who needs an MBA to make a living when there’s an internet? But then I decided that that would mean I had to put my money where my mouth was, and actually come up with a game plan for making money by self-promoting.

Well, I still haven't, but another woman sure has proved the theory.

A Nevada mom is making $5,000 a month posting sexy selfies online. It’s that easy.

(Hey, I didn’t say the methods were necessarily tasteful, just easy.)


Thursday, July 20, 2017

I'm Working It Off



July 19, 2017

I had been looking forward to trying out some bakeries in Boston, but didn't get to go. So yesterday I decided to go to one here that had been written up in the paper and was easy to get to.

I went and got a luscious-looking piece of cake, and a big chocolate chip cookie that I intended to save for today, but didn't.

So I probably ate 600 calories in sweets, but that's OK; I may have burned 10 of them when I walked home from the concert in the park last night.