He Should Have Watched "National Treasure"

October 27, 2018

A person with a hammer tried to smash the glass box surrounding the Magna Carta at Salisbury Cathedral.

Any Hollywood aficionado could have told him that the straightforward approach never works when you’re trying to steal something valuable: You have to have elaborate schemes involving phony maintenance men, and crashing hifalutin’ parties in order to lift authorized fingerprints to bypass security measures.

Amateurs. Sheesh!

Hollywood, Grand Theft Auto, and Donald Trump

October 26, 2018

A man sent bombs in the mail to a number of critics of President Trump. Another man groped a woman on the plane, and said that the president said it was OK to grab women by the genitals. People are blaming the president’s intemperate remarks and approval of violent tactics for the men’s actions.

Donald Trump isn’t anyone I’d want as a role model, for sure, but I’m inclined to think that people do things like that because they’re mentally unstable, not because they’re fervent believers in politics. Like people who bomb abortion clinics in the name of Christianity—the majority of people who disapprove of abortion just don’t do that, no matter how strong their beliefs.

It’s also funny that Hollywood, which has been denying for years that its violent movies have led to real-world violence, is full of people who are prepared to blame the president for the current climate of incivility. All we need now is for the makers of Grand Theft Auto to start tsk-tsking at the president for objectifying women.

Maybe, instead of aiming for how low we can go, we could all move a rung or two up the ladder and try to model good behavior, not whacked-out violent scenarios that call to our basest selves; so that people who emulate what they see and hear in the media would have a higher plane to start from.

Be Careful What You Blog

October 24, 2018

A woman who wrote a blog post about how to murder your husband has, in fact, been arrested in her husband’s murder.

Well, at least she knows somebody was reading her blog.

It Wasn't Worth the Savings

October 24, 2018

A tourist in Venice climbed onto a waterbus without buying a ticket. When the ticket collector came by, she jumped into the water in order to avoid being caught.

She was then charged with swimming illegally and fined 450 euros, plus 77.50 for not having bought a ticket.

I tried looking up the price of the water taxi, and, as near as I can figure, it would have been about 8 euros to just buy the ticket in the first place.

Whose Credibility is in the Toilet?

October 24, 2018

A current candidate for Illinois governor came up with an ingenious way to avoid paying property tax in 2015: He removed toilets from his second home and then declared that the house was “uninhabitable”. The house’s value was lowered from $6.3 million to a mere $1.1 million, and the candidate saved a bundle in taxes.

The fraud was discovered last year, and only now has the candidate agreed to repay the taxes.

Here’s the sad thing: As of October 3, the candidate was still 22 points ahead of his opponent in the polls.

Somebody sure has a credibility issue.

Boring? Us?

October 20, 2018

The Nebraska Tourism Commission is trading on Nebraska’s reputation as a boring state to put out some pretty cool ads. One ad says, “Famous for our flat, boring landscape” printed over an image of people jumping across some pretty impressive rock formations.

I like their style. 

Know Your Market

October 20, 2018

A 9-year-old Canadian Girl Guide followed her father’s advice to set up her cookie stand outside a marijuana shop,

and sold out in 45 minutes.

When Grown-Ups Disagree

October 12, 2018

“Just because we went a few rounds over a patient doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.”

I love that line from “Grey’s Anatomy.” What a beautiful sentiment: Just because you disagree with somebody over one thing doesn’t mean that you can’t agree on anything—or that you have to hate each other.

Wisdom for the ages.

It Was Bigger on the Inside

October 13, 2018

A man was telling me that a friend of his wanted to believe in God, but that he had a lot of questions: Like, how COULD two of every animal have fit into the ark? He had run the numbers, and there was just no way the vessel could hold them all.

It’s too bad neither of them watched Doctor Who, or they would have figured out the answer:

Obviously, the Ark was a TARDIS.

No Fitness Accessories Needed

October 11, 2018

I’ve decided that, to counteract the constant barrage of fitness instructions we get—Shoulders back, stomach in, stand up more at work, sit up straight at your desk, etc.—I’m going to institute a Daily Slouch. I think that five minutes of slouching would do people a world of good.

Go on, you know you want to.

Don't Let the Small Stuff Stand in Your Way

October 4, 2018

According to Sir Paul McCartney, none of the Beatles could read or write music.

Imagine that: They changed the entire music scene with no formal music education whatsoever.

What excuse do the rest of us have for not doing our thing?

(Of course, they each had a little help from their friends.)

A Stirring Innovation

September 30, 2018

I got tired of fooling with those paint-stirring sticks, so I headed over to the kitchen aisle to get a wooden spoon.

I found something even better: A set of plastic spoons shaped like wooden spoons, but easier to clean paint from.

I love them.

In Keeping with the Spirit of the Occasion...

September 20, 2018

Funny situation: I’ve got a scarecrow that I put out in the yard in October. It’s looking kind of ratty, so I thought maybe I’d replace it.

Then I thought—It’s a scarecrow! It’s supposed to be ratty!

Guess I’ll give it another year.