You Could Earn Up To $100,000,000 A Year!

October 26, 2017

When you’re making your annual budget, I hope you don’t follow the reasoning of politicians, and of businessmen who are looking for handouts.

For example, St. Louis is bidding to be Amazon’s 2^nd headquarters. That, of course, means throwing in lots of tax incentives and other handouts to a business that hardly needs them. Know why?

Because it “could bring up to 50,000 jobs” to the area.

And the group that’s putting in the Ferris wheel at Union Station “hopes that it will bring up to 500,000 visitors annually”. (Side note: It’s a 30-seat Ferris wheel. I’m going to hope that the article misquoted someone, and that it’s the combined aquarium and Ferris wheel projects that the group “hopes” will bring in the unrealistic number of people.)

Well, sure. Of course these things could bring “up to” fantastic amounts of jobs and visitors.

By that reasoning, each and every citizen of the world could make “up to” $100,000,000 annually. But as optimistic as that makes you feel, I hope you’re not basing your budget on it.

So could we get some realism into the discussion?

Lock Up the Spam

October 25, 2017

No joke: In Hawaii, Spam is so popular that people steal it to sell for drug money.

There’s been a recent surge in Spam thefts, and some people attribute it to a law that raised the threshold for felony theft from $300 to $750. So thieves are stealing just enough to stay below the felony limit.

And some retailers are locking up the Spam.

Could You Pick It Out of a Lineup?

October 25, 2017

How well do you know your Halloween pumpkin?

After three teenagers went on a pumpkin-napping spree in Maryland Heights, MO, people started reporting their missing decorations. When police noticed an SUV stuffed with 48 pumpkins, they dealt with the offenders, then posted a picture of the pumpkins (and one gourd) on their Facebook page.

To their surprise, people came forward after recognizing their individual pumpkins from the picture. When the Post-Dispatch went to press this morning, only 13 pumpkins and the gourd remained unclaimed.

Intro to Sexual Harassment

October 21, 2017

I’ve been thinking that people send their kids to classes to learn manners; so maybe someone could teach a class on how to avoid the introductory forms of sexual harassment: The arm around the shoulders with the hand that rests on the breast; the full-body hug, or any hug at all; the hand on the thigh, or the constant shoulder-touching…I say “introductory”, because they’re sort of tests that the harasser uses to see how far he/she can get. This post doesn’t cover hard-core harassment.

If somebody is acting inappropriately, you may not feel like making a big production out of it, on the grounds that the person may just have boundary issues. But whether it’s definite sexual harassment or it’s your Aunt Minnie trying to give you one of her infamous smooches, if it makes you uncomfortable, you don’t have to take it.

You move away from the arm; you can also stumble, ever so slightly, and apply a foot to an instep or connect with an ankle as you move away; or possibly (if you can get the angle right) spill a drink on the boundary-challenged person (especially the one whose hand was on your breast or your rear). You straighten your arms against the impending hug, keeping the person at a distance. You can use your elbows to create a space around yourself, discouraging people from getting too close in the first place. If you do have to remove a hand from your thigh, it is permissible to apply pressure to the sensitive place between the thumb and the palm, or to the wrist. In fact, I highly recommend it.

And if you’re sure of your ground, and don’t feel like being subtle, well, I’m on board with that.

You’re Only As Old As Your Knees Feel

October 15, 2017

Being old may be only a state of mind,

But my aching joints have plenty of influence on my state of mind.

One-Trick Ponies

October 15, 2017

I don’t normally go to comedy clubs, because most of the jokes are about sex. (Like nothing else funny EVER happens that the comedians could use for material.)

But last night I was suckered, because the comedy skits were being held at a restaurant where elderly women go to meet their friends for quiche; so I thought, “How bad can it be?”

Answer: Pretty bad.

Seriously: Now that comedy skits are all sex, all the time…Who has an advantage in the comedy arena? There’s no more shock value to give comedians that edge that they might have once enjoyed. What was edgy in the ’80s is now old hat.

They might have to go back to clean jokes just to stand out from the pack.

And I can’t wait.

Darwin Award Contenders

October 10, 2017

I’m looking at a picture of three signs from Lone Elk Park. The signs are on a pole, one above another, and read as follows:

   CAUTION

DO NOT APPROACH

OR FEED ANIMALS

MAINTAIN

100 FEET

DISTANCE

ELK MATING

 SEASON

USE EXTRA

 CAUTION

Why is this picture in the paper?

Because despite all the warnings,

People are being injured

while taking selfies with the elk.

They’re Honing Their Skills

October 11, 2017

When a politician is accused of sexual harassment, late-night jokes fly fast and furious.

When Hollywood’s Harvey Weinstein was accused, the reaction was a bit slower.

According to the producer of “Saturday Night Live”, there were jokes slated for last week’s show, but they fell flat in dress rehearsal, so they were cut.

Was he using the B-team??? With all the practice they’ve had on the subject, the writers should have been able to come up with jokes in their sleep!

It Has Come To Our Attention ... (Part 2)

October 11, 2017

A major movie producer has been accused of decades of sexual harassment, and others in the business are shocked and appalled at the idea of someone in Hollywood trading movie roles for sexual favors.

What other shocking revelations lie in store for them? Will they find out someday that David Duke is a bigot? That Elvis is dead?

TV Time, 2017

October 10, 2017

It’s time once again for my unsolicited and unsophisticated review of TV shows. I watched a few premiers and a couple of returning shows, and these were my impressions:

  

New:

Ghosted – I thought it would depend on vulgarity for its humor, but it’s really not too bad.

The Good Doctor – Could be worse.

The Orville – Same as “Ghosted”, and it’s actually dealt with a couple of deep themes. I actually like it.

Will and Grace – Meh

Young Sheldon – Meh

  

Returning:

Grey’s Anatomy – The season opener was the best one I’ve seen so far this fall. A+

Designated Survivor – Kept me awake, which is more than it did most of last season.

Major Crimes – Looking forward to the season opener on October 31. (Don’t let me down, folks!)

A Few Bad Apples

October 8, 2017

This morning an article about a mass shooting made me think, “Huh. Except in one instance, all of the mass shootings that I know of have been committed by men.”

It started a train of thought leading to a futuristic movie scenario in my head: Men banned from owning guns with magazines that held more than ten rounds; Joe Arpaio stopping men just because they’re men, and searching their cars for contraband weapons; men pointing out that it was only a few bad seeds that caused the trouble…

Then I got derailed by comparing a “no-men” weapons policy to a “no-Muslim” immigration policy and I lost track of what I was doing.

THIS Is Your Contribution To Society?

October 4, 2017

I’m glad I’m never going to be a First Lady (or the President). I couldn’t stand the fashion critiques.

It seems to me that the people who criticized Michelle Obama and are lambasting Melania Trump for their clothing choices are people who just don’t like their husbands.

Is there possibly a more constructive way to effect societal change than by picking on a president’s spouse?